Barbie Goes Ballistic

I was wandering through the toy aisle of a store recently, and caught myself grinning from ear to ear as I spotted the Full Size Barbie Head for sale. You know the one, with stylable hair and a face just waiting for makeup. I had the original Barbie Makeup Head... and it met an end even Stephen King would be proud of.

It was 1980, and I was home one night with my brother while the parents spent an evening away from us little hoodlums. He was nine years older than me, which meant I was usually the focus of his tormenting tricks. Oh, we had our good moments. Quietly laying on the living room floor playing a monstrous game of Risk... sitting at the dinner table squeezing that night's menu between our teeth to see who would gross out first. This would soon collapse though, as one of us would inevitably get triggered into a wild frenzy of sibling rage, and we'd end up in a dogpile on the floor, screeching and wrestling until one of us got tired. Usually me.

This night was different though. Brother decided he was going to do something against the parent's wishes while they were gone...and watch The Exorcist. This was back in the day when BETA machines were as big as lawnmowers... and it was a big deal to take up an evening watching a movie. I was NOT happy...because this meant he was going to hog the only TV with something I wasn't about to watch. I had enough trauma in my life simply from looking at all his KISS album covers!! And most importantly, I knew Mom and Dad would kick his butt if they knew he was going to watch that. So of course...this gave me fuel to climb the stairs to my room and plot the worst kind of revenge their is. Smited Sister Revenge.

I knew my brother was, in all reality, a big chicken. I knew the movie would give him the willies so bad he would have a hard time getting to sleep. So, I made it my mission to make CERTAIN he wouldn't get any sleep that night. I sat down on my bedroom floor, gathered my Barbie Makeup Head, along with all the hand-me-down makeup my mom had given me...and I set to work. That Barbie never had such a makeover. Mary Kay Hell. Huge fiendish red lips, wicked dark blue eyes.... hair ratted beyond recovery. I took my time. I wanted to make sure Barbie looked nothing like her sweet, pink bubblegum self. I wanted her so ghoulish and horrifying that even a glance would send my brother's bladder into ...well... bladdiac arrest. When I was done I held the head aloft. Jack Nicholson could do the moment justice: Herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeee's Barbie!

Finally, I heard him climbing the stairs. The movie was over, and his namby pamby self was going to slink past my room and hide away in his. Which, actually was the scariest room in the whole house. The closet had a door inside of it that lead directly to the attic... ( and attics, as we all know, breed demon hordes of fanged hounds that come out at night and eat whatever appendages are hanging off the side of the bed.)

I prepared my costume. My mom had given me a long flowing cape which was usually my Sheena, Queen of the Animals outfit, but tonight it was going to play a different role. I stood in front of my mirror and placed Barbie's big ole' head on top of mine, balancing it there by the oval makeup tray wrapped around her neck. Then, I carefully wrapped the cape around the makeup tray, completely hiding myself within it. I peeked out and saw that it gave the illusion of a freakish head perched on tiny little shoulders, standing about five feet tall. Perfect!! I got my Holly Hobby flashlight from my toy chest, and flicked it on. Shining it up as best I could to Barbie's face, I had to hold back a snicker of pure wickedness. I was about to pull off the best prank ever of my childhood.

I slowly peeked out my door to make sure his was shut. Sure enough, it was... only the faint light of his neon Rainier Beer sign shining through the bottom crack of the door. I tiptoed so quietly out into the hall, and poised myself. Cape drawn, flashlight held just so, I could feel my heartbeat thudding in my throat. This was so exciting it was almost scaring me. Was it possible that I, the pipsqueak kid sister, was about to pull a fast one on her big brother? I was about to find out....

I drew in a long breath, gathered up my courage, and then bolted down the hallway full speed, kicking his door in with one swift shove. When it pounded open, I let out a banshee scream worthy of Friday the 13th...... and my brother launched up off his bed like he'd been shot in the ass. In a split second of throaty screams( his AND mine )....he shot across the room and decked my Barbie head so hard that it flew into the corner and smacked the wall. We fell silent then, him holding me by the scruff of my cape, me with a gaping mouth wide open as I stared over at Barbie. Her face was completely concave, leering at us both with those chlorine blue eyes. I slowly looked up at Brother, and he looked down at me, and I couldn't help the victorious grin that peeled across my face.

He was white as a ghost as he gave me a shake. "Don't EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You scared the CRAP OUT OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Heheheheh. I wouldn't have to. I triumphed for all 9 year old girls everywhere. And down to this day he still has to admit it. Watch your back, Brother-mine...or Barbie's gonna go Exorcist on you!!!