Fun With Dentistry

The Ibuprofen has finally kicked in, so my upper right-hand jaw no longer feels like it was lovingly scraped along a cheese grater. I'll take this respite from the pain to tell you about my little visit with the dentist....

The ink had barely dried on my insurance forms when I was sashayed to the exam room by a dark haired young woman in a festive frock. While she was taking the first inital round of x-rays, I spilled my guts as to why I hadn't been to a dentist in soooo long. I guess the low-dose radiation gives off a confessional type vibe or something. At any rate, she nodded, made notes on her chart, and then led me away to another x-ray machine. This time I stood up, bit another plastic thingy... only now I got to hang on to handlebars! The machine clamped down on my skull (I kid you not!) and then did a little waltz around my head. I had the urge to start humming that crazy song Willy Wonka sings on his wonderous boat ride... you know the one...

"There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing..."

Anyway, back in the chair I sat - and told the assistant to bring on the laughing gas. She said she'd start off slow, and I just chuckled. I knew I'd have that gas machine at full throttle before the fun began. So she settled that little plastic cup down over my nose, cranked my chair back so my feet were in the air, and I started inhaling like Jacque Cousteau going down for the deep plunge. After about five minutes, I was giving her the thumbs up to crank the gas. I did that two more times... and suddenly.....

..........wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Aimee has liftoff.

"There is nooooo drug I knooooow, to compare with
purest nitrous oxide...breathe it in, you'll be free
if you truly wish to beeeee....."

There is a certain sound that I hadn't heard nor thought of since the last time I was at the dentist a billion years ago... which occurs when I've entered Laughing Gas LaLa Land. It actually has a name! It's called "flanging" [link] - and everything I hear starts to echo and reverberate, or "flange", in my skull. This is when things start to suddenly get very funny.... and even as the dentist's voice drifts in from somewhere far away to tell me he's going to give me a filling in one molar AND carve out the second molar to prepare for a crown for starters.... I simply feel like I'm hovering about five feet out of the chair on the sheer power of the Jack Wagner song that was suddenly invading my entire consciousness.

"Allllllllll Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed....is just a little more time.... to be sure............what I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel"

Oh man - how appropriate is that?? And suddenly a running commentary of the situation begins in my head. Flashbacks from my dentists visits in the 80's remind me that Jack Wagner has, in effect, been at my side at every dentist visit I've ever been at... even while the needles are poking, and the face is numbing, and the machines are starting to whine...

"Is it all in my mind
Cause it seems so hard to belieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve....
that you're all I need..........."

I don't know how this music seems to be so loud in my head, even as the dentist's drills and grinders are shrieking away doing their job. Maybe my brain just automatically tunes in to some faded 80's FM station that broadcasts on a funky nitrous oxide channel? Air Supply was there, and so was vintage Whitney Houston. All the same people who crooned in my ear all those years ago. And then, just as I was swirling away into the old Stevie Wonder staple "I just called to sayyyyyyyy I looooove youuuuuuu".... I suddenly wondered why there was a midget (little person, dwarf, etc. etc.) standing in my mouth. And this thought was exceedingly funny. It literally felt like one of their little feet was planted right on my face...and I started to laugh outloud. Of course, the sound that I actually heard was more like a muffled gargle, and for half a second all the machines stopped and they asked me if I was okay. I let out a high-pitched giggle and nodded somewhere beneath my nitrous mask/terminator glasses/plastic mouth sheild...and all activity resumed in a sudden squeeling roar that was not unlike a 747 powering up for takeoff.

Everything was in a blur after that. At one point I was actually roller skating with Stevie Wonder...and this too was exceedingly funny, because Stevie was leading. And then as I peered through the dark Terminator glasses they had me wear (to block out the Hollywood Premier spotlights blazing down from overhead, and to keep the tooth chunks from blinding me) I swore the patterns on the dental assistant's blouse were morphing into crazy Brady Bunch paisleys.

My arms started to go tingle, and I was glad I had my hands jammed in my pockets. I could tell that there was a real danger of having one just go into a random flailing seizure, and there was no telling what it would hit, or what havoc it would create there beneath the assortment of gleaming torture instruments and drool-tubes.

I was just barely coherent enough to follow their instructions to 'open wide', 'bite down', 'tap tap tap' (whatever the heck that was! But when it was asked of me... I taptaptapped like a good little soldier), and 'breath through your nose Mrs. Stewart, you are fogging up my glasses." BWaha!! So I did... and then Jack Wagner started singing AGAIN! I honestly don't know if I heard that song over and over like I feel I did, or if it was just on some musical loop whilst tripping on nitrous... but it was all good.

Then, someone said they were turning the gas off... and they moved my chair into the upright position, just like someone flipping up their dinner tray on an airplane. I kept laughing to myself as I cleaned up like a trouper at the tiny chairside sink. They gave me chapstick to take with me, and ushered me down the hallway to pay. They had put a temporary crown on my molar, and scheduled me for next Tuesday for the real deal. And then they'll schedule for all four wisdom teeth to be pulled. YAY!!! More nitrous.... and more Jack Wagner. I'm so thrilled.

So now I'm home, with my new chapstick and $25.00 worth of gourmet potato, minestrone, and chicken soup as well as Tillamook Peanut Butter and Chocolate icecream to keep me happy over the next few days..(try navigating the checkout line at the grocery store with half a frozen face! I think the cash register lady thought I was going to mug her with my Elvis Presley sneer). My tongue keeps snaking over to feel the smooth, plasticy temporary molar that has latched onto my gums. I think I need a nap. I have an overwhelming urge to download some Air Supply as well, which may or may not be worthy of a lawsuit. Time will tell.